How to Produce a Christmas
Number One Hit
I thought this was a very timely topic and a great article
by Ian Waugh. At least it could be for next year. Don't laugh....there
are a few bands out there that have made a killing because of a #1
Christmas song. You know who they are because you have recently been
listening to these songs!
The worst thing about Christmas has to be listening to Top Of The Pops
and
the Christmas Number 1 – Girls Aloud, Robbie Williams, Westlife and Mr
Blobby for goodness sake! Surely anyone can produce a better Christmas
Hit than those. After all, a computer does all the work, doesn't it -
all you do
is press a few buttons and jiggle a few drum and bass lines around.
So what do you need? You need a PC with a reasonable amount of
processing power under the hood - a Pentium III at least, preferably a
P4 - in order to run the music software.
Audio files are quite large - forget MP3s, we're talking the real thing
here
- and for each track of audio you record you'll need around 10.6Mb of
hard
disk space per minute. Every track won't be filled with audio so you
won't
need quite that much in a multi-track recording but for a four-minute
16-track song it would be wise to allocate around 500Mb of hard disk
space.
Playing cards
You need a soundcard. All modern PCs have one of these but if you don't
want your song to sound like it was recorded in a back bedroom - even it
if was - get a decent card.
At Christmas-stocking prices are a range of SoundBlaster cards such as
the Audigy 2 ZS (for under £70/$100) with a good set of built-in sounds.
But
more than that, they support SoundFonts. These are samples the card uses
to produce realistic instrument sounds and better beefy bass lines than
yer
average sound card.
If you've a rich Mummy and Daddy they’ll be pleased to buy you a more
expensive card such as E-Mu’s Emulator X (around £220/$380), a desktop
sampling system that also supports SoundFonts. If you own a nightclub
you'll
be able to afford one of CreamWare's high-end systems with on-board
synthesisers that can do everything but sober up the drummer - not that
you
need a drummer 'cause the cards have all the drum sounds you need.
Key move
You'll also need a MIDI keyboard to record your masterpiece. There’s a
vast
choice here from E-Mu’s XBoard 25, XBoard 49, and Swissonic’s CK490 (all
running around £100/$150 give or take) to the Fatar range running from
the TMK61 (£130/$225) up to the VMK 188 Plus (£599/$1000) with several
models inbeween.
These keyboards don't have any on-board sounds like synthesisers but
they're much cheaper than synths and there are sounds in the soundcard
anyway. If you've seen an Elton John concert and can't face the thought
of touching a keyboard, don't worry - you can use pre-recorded loops and
samples and
cleverly arrange them in stunning combinations without a keyboard.
Listen up
A decent pair of speakers is essential. The ten quid jobbies that
were
bundled with your PC may be fine for playing MP3s but they simply won't
do
for mixing music.
The Big Boys use dedicated monitor speakers which can cost as much as a
holiday in Barbados but if you leave the other half at home you could
easily
afford Behringer’s MS16s (£46/$79), or Edirol’s MA7A (£80/$135) or MA150
(£120/$200).
If your PC is near your hi fi you can run the audio through that but
switch
off any bass boost or EQ settings. The idea is to get a flat, uncoloured
response so if it sounds good on those speakers it should sounds good on
any speakers. So the theory goes.
Good arrangement
The Big Boys can fiddle with high-end music sequencers but the new and
incredibly modestly-priced Cubase SE 3 (less than a ton/$170) lets you
record and assemble audio and MIDI parts with almost as much aplomb. It
shows both types of recording on the same arrange page making it easy to
see how they fit together.
And finally, you need a CD recorder so you can burn your finished hit to
CD
and send it to lucky record companies. If you’ve a modern PC you’ll have
one already. But do use a labeller and create a CD inlay, too, to give
the CD a pro finish. In the music biz, looks, fashion and style are far
more important than content so spend at least as much time on the
outside as on
the music. Put your contact details on the CD label as well as the
inlay.
Hook and line
Now let's make a song. You need a hook. This is the bit everyone sings
so it
has to be catchy. It's usually the chorus but you can have a catchy bass
line, drum line or even a vocal hook such as shout or a catch phrase
like
"Eh Oh". Well it worked for the Teletubbies – are you old enough to
remember them with embarrassment?
Let's say you've come up with a stonking chorus. Build a verse around
it. It
doesn't have to be memorable; few verses are. You can meander around in
a relatively tuneless way until it's time to unleash the chorus on the
world.
When building a song, start with the rhythm section. Grab some groovy
drum
loops, string them together then add the bass line. You can play this on
your new MIDI keyboard or drop in bass samples - jolly useful things,
samples.
Next you'll want to add some keyboard parts which can be clever rhythmic
figures or you can play pads by holding down some chords using a
broad-texture sound such as strings.
Very vocal
Then add the vocals. If you can't sing - but remember that never stopped
anyone making a record - you might like to nip down the pub and ask the
winner of this week's karaoke contest to do the chanting for you. Play
your
cards right and they may even pay you for the privilege.
If you've too much musical nous to be in the same room as a karaoke
singer, you can always fall back on your old friend, the sample.
The final step is the mixing. This is where you balance all the parts
you
recorded, add a dash of reverb and generally tart the thing up.
Then save the entire song as an audio file ready for burning to CD. This
means recording the MIDI parts as audio tracks. You need to mix all the
tracks into one stereo track so the final file will be 10.6Mb x the
length
in minutes.
Looks good
Now you have to interest the A&R men in your CD. It's all about image so
if
you're dull and ugly - name three ugly pop stars, apart from Madonna and
Mick Hucknall - you may have to get one of your beautiful friends to
pose
for the publicity photos.
Write a one-page biog - they don't want to know that you have a GCSE in
music, they want to know what gigs you've done and any Big Name bands
you’ve supported. Drop a few names such as Bruce, Robbie and Tina. You
don't have to mention surnames...
If you do catch the ear of an A&R person, be prepared to throw your ego
out
the window - you can't afford one at the moment and when you're rich and
famous you can buy a much better one anyway.
You'll see the months of blood, sweat and Pils which you poured into
your
song pouring straight down the drain as the record company drafts in a
14-year-old DJ to remix your song using the latest Dance breakbeats and
crap - sorry, rap - vocals.
But don't worry - you can laugh all the way to the bank when it reaches
Number One!
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